Are your children not listening to you? It is frustrating when they do not listen to your requests or questions. At times, it may even feel like they are ignoring you. This does not mean that your child is being rebellious; it may instead suggest that they’ve acquired a case of parent deafness.
Parent deafness is just what the name says. Your children may respond to the teacher, the coach, their grandparents or even other adults, but when it comes to their own parents, it’s like a wall goes up and they tune them out.
Training kids to listen the first time you speak may feel like a lost cause. Whether they argue with your requests and battle about every little thing or they swear that they didn’t hear you when you asked them three times to take their shower and brush their teeth, repeating yourself over and over is ineffective and exhausting.
Yes, you want your kids to grow their independence, but this does not excuse them from listening, responding and following directions. Aside from physical impairment, what are the reasons that your children are not listening to you? What causes this? Why do kids become tone-deaf when it comes to their mom and dad?
Take a closer look at your parenting strategy and ask yourself if you’ve adopted any of these parenting habits:
You use too many words.
When it comes to asking your children to do something or giving them instructions, remember to keep your works simple, clear and short. Lectures and long-winded requests mixed with nagging will not convince your child to cooperate; they will instead dilute your message and make it less impactful.
Example of too many words: Johnny, it’s time to stop playing video games and go do your homework. I know you don’t want to, but I also know that you have a lot of work to do. You cannot afford to neglect your schoolwork if you want to keep your grades up and you know how important that is. If you don’t keep your grades up then you cannot play sports. You love playing soccer and baseball and I know that you don’t want to quit them. So it’s time to turn off the video games and get to work. If you can’t do that I will have to take the video controller for a few days…..Johnny, did you hear me? Why are you still playing?
Example of keeping your words simple and brief: Johnny, Will you please turn off the video games and do your homework? (If there is no response, then…) Johnny, if you do not turn off the video games and do your homework now, then I will take the video controller for one day. You decide. (If there is still no response, then you calmly walk over, remove the video controller from his hands and say…) You decided to give up the controller, tomorrow you can do better.
It’s not easy to keep our parenting words simple and brief. I experienced this tension many times. I’m a communicator, a woman of words, and I often felt as if my words could convince or fix my kids. But the more words we use when asking for their cooperation, the less impactful our requests are. There will be a time and a place for discussions and conversations that require more words, but that is not usually when we are in conflict with our kids or trying to get their cooperation.
You repeat yourself instead of following through the first time.
When you nag, ask them over and over, and keep repeating your requests, without following through on your threats or consequences, you are basically training your child to NOT respond the first time. Again, this is where simple and brief words, followed by immediate consequences will untrain them. It may take time, but your consistent and calm parenting will have positive results.
The problem is that parents try this once and get frustrated when it doesn’t seem to work the first time, so they resort to their old nagging habits, which don’t work either.
They are not fully listening or hearing you.
Sometimes the reason your kids are not responding or don’t seem to be listening is as simple as the fact that they are distracted or pre-occupied with what they are doing. You have become background noise and the only way to cure them of that is to be very intentional when you are communicating to them.
Yelling to them from the other room or even across the room when they are in the middle of something can be a waste of time and energy. If you want to train them to respond to your voice right away, then you might have to go the extra few steps to where they are, stand in front of the TV or pause the video game and get their full attention. Be sure you make eye contact and then say your request. Ask them to repeat it to you so you know they heard you loud and clear.
After that first time, try talking to them calmly from where you are and if they don’t respond, put down what you’re doing and go get their attention again. Eventually, they will learn that you mean business and that they must learn to listen fully so they can follow directions.
They shut you out if you are negative or yelling.
Remember the old Snoopy cartoons where the teacher’s voice came across as “Wha-Wha-Wha”? I’m sure that there are times when parental voices, especially the negative and yelling ones come across the same to children. If you are a yeller or if you tend to focus on the negative, your children will start to ignore you simply because they know it’s all bluster–until a certain point perhaps and they are smart enough to figure out when that threshold has been reached.
There is absolutely no need for yelling and negativity in parenting. You can parent in a positive and calm manner. If this is something you’d like to get better at, please schedule a call with me and let me help you.
There could be other reasons that your children are not listening to you: maybe they are angry with you or maybe you have a fractured relationship with them. If that is the case, please begin the work to repair that relationship. Get counseling or coaching to help you know how to take steps to heal that bond with your kids.
