Do you struggle to set boundaries for your children?
Ask teachers in the school system today and many of them will say that they see the results of little to no boundaries being set in the home. Setting boundaries or NOT setting boundaries for your children has implications outside of your house. The lack of boundaries has affected the classroom in a tragic way.
One educator explains it like this:
Children who can roam free at home with little to no consequences therefore have no incentive or expectation to follow any classroom rules. They know there won’t be any repercussions from their parents if they’re called down to the principal’s office or reprimanded by a teacher. In fact, their parents will likely back them up.
It’s no wonder there’s a shortage of good teachers. I know their struggle; both my daughter and husband were teachers for many years and they were easily able to tell which kids had a home with boundaries and which did not.
Is the school system perfect? Of course not, there are many problems. But I believe that the teachers’ jobs would be somewhat easier if parents set boundaries and followed through with them at home.
Why do parents have a hard time setting and enforcing boundaries? After working with many parents, I’ve been able to identify a few reasons behind their struggle.
Parents don’t know how.
It’s not an easy thing to always know when and how to set boundaries, especially if a parent didn’t have good parenting models. They ask questions like: How many boundaries should I set? How do I reinforce those boundaries and still maintain a good relationship with my child?
If they can’t seem to find the answers, it becomes easier to just let things slide and the result is a home with few or no boundaries.
Parents are afraid of upsetting their children.
Many parents worry that saying NO will hurt their child’s self-esteem, or that it will unduly upset them.
When it comes to self-esteem, the opposite is true. Children from homes where the boundaries and consequences are discussed and known are more secure. They know what to expect and don’t live in fear of the unknown when it comes to discipline.
Parents just want to be friends with their children.
Although I firmly believe that a strong parent/child relationship is important, that does not mean that parents should seek friendship with their child over guidance. Putting friendship with your child over leading and guiding them toward adulthood will result in wishy-washy boundaries. Fluctuating boundaries leads to confused kids who have little to no respect for boundaries in other areas of life outside the home.
Parents are too tired to follow through.
Setting boundaries is the easy part; following through on consequences is the hard part.
Parents are tired, stressed, and busy and often just don’t have the energy, strength or resolve to carry out the consequences. There’s no doubt that follow-through is hard work, but the results will show themselves at some point as your child matures and grows to be an adult.
Parents don’t see the long-term value of following through.
Parents usually fall into one of two categories: They parent for today or they parent for tomorrow.
Parenting for today means parenting for the NOW, doing what’s easiest, quickest, and most convenient now. It’s basically parenting in survival mode, living in the moment as a parent and giving no thought to what type of people you want your child to become or the character that you want them to build.
Parenting for tomorrow means that you strive to instill character in your kids that will make them the type of adults you want them to become. You look towards tomorrow and say, “What type of adults do we want our kids to become?” You then keep that in mind each day as you deal with parenting challenges.
The importance of having boundaries and consequences in your home cannot be overstated. Highly functioning families have clearly defined boundaries understood upon by the family members. Without boundaries, your child will lack self-discipline and self-confidence. Without rules, your child will not learn from their mistakes. Without limits, your home will be a place of constant stress and tension.
And without boundaries at home, schools will continue to suffer the consequences. The educator I quoted earlier, is spot on when she says that “Parents should stop letting their kids “run the show” at home because it ends up bleeding into the behavior they exhibit in the classroom.”
If you struggle to set and hold boundaries for your kids and would like some help, please schedule a free intro call here.
