When does your child cross the line from simply expressing their feelings to displaying a disrespectful attitude?
It is a line that is blurry for many parents. How far should they let their kids go when it comes to expressing their feelings towards Mom and/or Dad? Do they excuse outbursts that include name-calling or hateful words, knowing that it comes from a place of hurt or disappointment?
As a child, I was not encouraged to show anger or express strong emotions to my parents. For them, it was all about respect and I grew up knowing that I had to hide a lot of my feelings from them if I wanted to stay out of trouble. My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a home where all hell broke loose between four brothers and Dad, and very little respect was shown to other family members, parents included. My husband and I knew we needed to strike a balance between the two extremes, but the question still remained: where do we draw the line? How far do we let our kids go in expressing emotions?
If this is a struggle you have, I’d like to share with you the guidelines we established in our home that helped our kids know they had crossed the line from being open and honest to being disrespectful.
We told our kids we would listen to anything they had to say as long as…..
They didn’t resort to name-calling.
They didn’t say hateful or demeaning remarks about the person they were in conflict with.
They didn’t scream or raise their voice.
They didn’t hurt one another physically or hurt one another’s property.
They didn’t resort to whining.
Instead, we taught them (and had to model it too!) these parameters:
Speak calmly. If you have to, take a time out so you can calm down.
Address the issue at hand and do not bring up other problems that have nothing to do with the present conflict.
Don’t leave the issue unresolved. Keep talking until it is worked out. If a time apart is needed, take it. But always come back for a resolution.
Hear the other person out. Let them express their feelings calmly, even if you don’t agree. Stop yourself from interrupting them.
Help them understand that strong emotions are okay and normal, but how they choose to respond and handle those emotions will affect those around them.
Teach them how to “seek to understand, then to be understood.” This means they must learn to listen to the person they are disagreeing with, instead of shutting them out.
In pursuit of encouraging children to express their emotions and not stuff them down, parents may swing the pendulum too far the other way. Yes, let your child express angry and hurt emotions, but give them tools to handle those strong feelings in a way that does not hurt the people they love. Don’t excuse their hateful and demeaning words with “I know they are hurting, so I will let it pass.” Perhaps you let it pass momentarily until emotions have calmed, but circle back around and let them know that their words were not okay. Give them guidance and tools to do better next time.
If you are struggling and do not know how to keep your child from crossing that line, please schedule a free intro call with me. I would like to help.
