Does it surprise you that studies determine moms to be bigger worriers than dads?
According to the Pew Research Center, Nearly half of mothers (46%) say they are extremely or very worried their children will struggle with anxiety or depression at some point, compared with 32% of fathers. And, by double-digit margins, mothers are also more likely than fathers to say they are extremely or very worried about their children being bullied, being kidnapped or abducted, getting beaten up and getting shot. Moms are also more likely to express concerns about their children having problems with drugs or alcohol and getting in trouble with the police.
Moms are told that worrying is part of their job description and that they may as well accept that they will be worrying about their children for the rest of their lives. In fact, moms may see worry as a natural reaction that may be perceived as helpful. But worry actually wears moms out, keeps the problem in their heads and can result in unclear and ineffective thinking.
On the other hand, it’s not healthy to deny that something scares you. Acknowledging that we have a concern is often our best option. So, what’s the difference between worry and concern?
Worry is obsessively thinking of what could go wrong. It’s the fear of an unknown future and what might happen. It’s the what-ifs that grip a parent’s mind, keeping them up at night and sparking anxiety.
Concern, on the other hand, is carefully assessing a true threat. It is based on facts and looks to actually solve a problem, not just brood on it. You know that something is happening that is not good and needs your attention. Concern is based on facts. Concern does not result in a physical response like stress and worry do. You are more likely to see things calmly, without jumping to the what-ifs.
Worry is based on emotions, while concern tends to be based on truth. Worry is pointless and is like letting your brain go round and round on the hamster wheel–Alot of work, but it gets you nowhere. Concern is based on facts and looks for ways to adapt and find solutions.
Stop Worrying So Much!
When I felt worry in the past, my husband would simply tell me to stop worrying so much, well-meaning advice which honestly didn’t help. What I really needed to and what I’ve since learned to practice is how to transition from worry to concern.
Here’s what has worked for me:
Determine What is True.
When you feel your mom worry starting to take over your mind and you know that it is going to take you nowhere, take a few minutes to think things through. If it helps, write down the facts, what you know to be true NOW. When you feel your mind starting to wander down the rabbit trail of worry, repeat those facts to yourself over and over.
Get the facts.
Often worry is a result of not really knowing the facts; it’s instead based on your assumptions. Learn what you can to get a clear picture and a true understanding of what is actually going on. Write those truths down and review them when worry starts to creep in.
Rebuke Worry.
One of my best defenses against crippling worry was to take a long walk and pray. I would talk to the worry and put it in its place. Worry, you are worthless and doing me no good. I am choosing now to not let my mind wander down that destructive path. Recognizing that worry is a totally useless habit and that it does not have to consume you is your first step.
Focus on the Positive.
As you rebuke the worry, remind yourself of what is good, what is positive, what is true, and what is helpful. You are not helpless when it comes to choosing your thoughts. The bird may fly over your head, but you don’t have to let it build a nest there. To keep your thoughts from wandering to the worry side, turn their attention on something positive–whether it’s prayer, music, or simply focusing on gratefulness.
Determine What You Can and Can’t Control.
Another way to deal with worry is to make a list of what you can and what you can’t control. Look for answers and solutions to the “control” list and mentally relinquish the “can’t control” items. Sometimes, the practice of simply acknowledging the difference between those two can give you a new understanding and help you transition from worry to concern. I’ve found that the practice of giving up things that I have no control over helps me put aside worry.
Mom Anxiety is Real.
Mom anxiety is no joke. We may laugh about a mom’s right to worry, but it’s really not a laughing matter because it makes us so miserable and often hard to live with.
Moms, remember, there is worry and there is concern. Concern is driven by facts and is productive; worry is driven by fear and insecurity, and is a waste of time.
If you are struggling, please reach out to me and schedule a call.
