When your children get in trouble at school, who do you blame?
When your child gets in trouble with the coach, who do you blame?
When your son or daughter gets a lower grade than usual, who do you blame?
My husband, teacher for 15 years and a coach for over 30, recently told me about an article he read about problems that schools are having with misbehaving students. In this particular article, parents were calling on the school to manage the problem better. So the question must be asked: is this a school problem or a parent problem?
Because every situation and school differ, there is obviously no one-size-fits-all answer to that question. The reasons for student misbehavior are complex, but here’s what I’ve seen: it’s way too easy for parents to blame someone else for their child’s behavior, which leads to parents expecting someone else to manage the problem for them.
That’s why some parents send their kids to youth groups, hoping the youth leader will straighten their children out.
It’s why some parents confront teachers and coaches with the idea that, “My child was fine before this, this is your doing!”
It’s why some parents decide to send their kids to private or parochial schools, hoping that the discipline and values taught will reform their children’s behavior.
Expecting other leaders, organizations, or environments to fix your kids’ behavior is a misguided attempt at parenting, IF you are not working right along beside them.
Yes, we should look for good teachers, coaches, schools, and groups to influence our kids, but this does not replace YOUR responsibility. No one can do your job for you. If your child has behavioral problems, start by looking at your parenting strategy and don’t be so quick to blame others.
As my husband and I raised our three kids, we understood the importance of working as a team with teachers, coaches, churches, etc. to guide our kids. We never expected those influencers to do the job FOR us, but ALONG SIDE of us. That’s why choosing those people and places for your children is so important. Once you’ve found them, work at being on the same team through communication and seeking to understand.
When was the last time you checked in with your child’s teacher, coach, or youth leader about how you can work together for the benefit of your child instead of automatically blaming them for the problem or at the least blaming them for not solving the problem?
My dad always said that when you point one finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you. Next time you want to point the blame at someone else, ask yourself first, what part do I play in this? Is there something I could have done in my parenting to avoid or resolve this? Is my child’s behavior due to my own struggles as a parent? These are tough questions to ask yourself. But if you really want to do what’s best for your child, you cannot avoid them.
It may very well be that once you are honest about whether you carry some of the blame for your child’s behavior and you proceed to address and rectify that, you will still see the need for changes for your child, whether it’s a new school, teacher, coach, etc. And by all means, please do what is best for your child.
However, can we please stop the finger-pointing at everyone else for our child’s behavior? It may mean asking yourself some hard questions. It could mean getting help from a counselor or a parenting coach like me. It might require some hard conversations with teachers, coaches and leaders in your child’s life.
Next time, when you find yourself ready to explode at a teacher, coach, or school for your child’s actions or for events happening at your child’s school, stop and see if there are any fingers pointing back at you. Before you jump to point out the speck in someone else’s eye, be sure you don’t have a log in yours. (If that doesn’t make sense to you, read here for clarification).
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