Discipline vs. punishment. Those two words are often used interchangeably. But in reality, they are two very different things and it’s important to understand their differences in order to parent effectively with your long-term parenting goal in mind.

When I looked up “punish” in the dictionary, I found several definitions:

…to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc.

…to mistreat, abuse, or hurt.

…to handle severely or roughly, as in a fight.

…to inflict a penalty for an offense.

There is nothing positive or healthy in any of these definitions as it relates to parenting. Punishing a child implies that a parent inflicts consequences simply to make their child feel the “pain” from their misbehavior.

Discipline, on the other hand, means:

…training to act in accordance with rules.

…a branch of instruction or learning.

…to penalize in order to train and control.

…to bring to a state of order and obedience by training.

In all of those definitions, there is a common implication: discipline involves training, teaching, and learning. When parents discipline, they are enforcing limits in order to teach their kids how to behave in the world and help them become competent, independent, and caring adults.

Discipline Vs. Punishment: a real-life example

The difference between punishment and discipline is clearly seen in the story of what happened to me as a child in middle school. My dad caught me in a lie and instructed me to wait in my room for 30 minutes and then to come see him in his home office. After the longest half hour of my life, I went in to see him. How he handled the situation was a perfect example of discipline vs. punishment.

If he had gotten upset with me when he caught me in my lie, grounded me on the spot, expressed his disappointment in me, and then walked away with no further conversation, that would have been punishment.

Instead, he chose to take time to calm down, think through the situation, ask himself what I needed to learn from that mistake and then sit down and talk it out with me. I remember that conversation even to this day, which is proof that it was life-impacting. I remember we talked about why lying hurts others and how it breaks trust, and how I must work to earn that trust back. I still suffered a consequence, but my dad’s whole intention was to help me learn from my mistake, not just make me feel pain from it. His agenda was guided by a long-term goal of parenting me to become an honest, thoughtful adult.

How to Discipline and NOT Punish

Here are some steps to take as you shift from punishing to disciplining:

Set parenting goals. If you want to teach and guide rather than just punish, it helps to start with the end goal in mind. What type of person do you want your child to become as an adult? Establishing core values as a family will help you know what’s really important and what needs your attention. Goals should help you choose your battles and avoid majoring on the minors.

Respond instead of React. Give yourself a time-out if you need to and remember that what you say in anger as an instant reaction and what you say after you’ve taken a few minutes to calm down will probably be two different things. Responding means that you take time to think through the situation and ask yourself two very important questions: what does my child need to learn in this situation and what is the best way for me to help them learn it?

Set boundaries and consequences. Be sure your child knows the limits and what will happen when they choose to cross them. There should be no big surprises to either you or your child when they cross those boundaries: you know how to proceed and your child knows what to expect because you’ve established the consequences.

Always talk through the consequences. Training and guiding your child means that you must always talk with them about the boundary and consequence. Why was what they did wrong? Who did it hurt? What should they do differently next time? What is the lesson they can learn that will help them later in life? When you have these conversations, your goal is to help your child learn to think through their behavior, so use questions to help them think instead of telling them what to think.

Close the confrontation with love. Be sure you end the difficult conversations with an “I love you.” Not, I love you BUT, simply I LOVE YOU. Give your child a hug or a gentle pat on the back or some physical expression of love as well. They need to know that you’re not doing this because you’re angry with them but because you love them and want them to learn and grow. You want the best for them and that often comes in the form of discipline.

If you want to be more effective and less stressed as a parent, think through your parenting strategy. Are you merely punishing your child? Or are you disciplining them to help them learn? Punishment makes a child suffer for breaking rules, but discipline teaches them how to make a better choice next time.

If you need help with reframing your parenting strategy from a punishment mindset to a discipline mindset, set up a free intro call here.