Your kids’ privacy is a topic that must be addressed as your child grows up. The amount they need depends on their age and on the circumstances. As your child approaches middle and high school, the privacy issue can become very messy. It’s at this point that parents must understand the difference between secrecy and privacy.

As your child matures, they will have a need to become their own person. Adolescence is the space and season where children are preparing to become independent.

As their parent, strive to strike a balance between knowing what your teen is doing, trusting them to have some private matters, and knowing when to step in.

Their Need for Their Own Space

Your child should have a room where they can go and close the door. If they share a room with a sibling, they should have a place or a way to have some “alone time” if they need it. I think a lot of us as adults have this need; why should our kids not have it too?

The temptation here is strong for parents to help themselves to their child’s room and personal belongings. It’s very easy to be suspicious of adolescents because we see so many of them who are making bad choices and getting involved in things that are not good for them.

However, if your teen is responsible, complies with curfews, honest about where they are and who they are with, and are basically trustworthy, then they’ve earned the privilege of having some privacy. Let them know they’ve earned your trust and that you will not interfere unless you feel they’ve breached that trust.

Space Vs. Disconnection

Letting them have their space, however, does NOT mean that you disconnect in the name of “giving them privacy.” I’ve worked with parents who step away and let their kids do whatever simply because they fear conflicts with the child or they want to give their child space. The honest truth is that your adolescent still needs you in their life and you can still show interest, ask questions, be present, and not always take their apathetic attitude at face value. You can be present with them–in the same room as they watch TV, at the table working as they do their homework–without saying much. Sometimes in those moments of you just being there, they will suddenly start talking.

You can show interest, concern, love and support while at the same time, respecting their space and privacy. It’s a balancing act for sure. But as you seek to understand your child, you will know what they need from you and when to give it.

Privacy and Secrecy

Your child’s right to privacy ends if you discover something incriminating or have a strong suspicion that your child is involved in risky behavior or is making unsafe or unhealthy choices. If you suspect that your teen is using drugs or alcohol or is involved in harmful behaviors–the question of privacy goes out the window. As their parent, you have a responsibility to invade your child’s space, whether that means looking on their phone or searching their room.

No need to be sneaky about it. Be honest about your intentions. Let your child know that if they are not being responsible and making safe choices, then you will do what you have to, whether it’s looking in their room, in their closet, on their computer, tablet or phone. Your child does not have a right to keep secrets from you if it endangers them or anyone else.

I sometimes wonder if we’d have less teenage suicides and school shootings if parents understood the difference between privacy and secrecy and when to cross those lines.

Privacy is a Privilege

Your child earns the right to a certain amount to privacy when they are truthworthy and honest. But be very clear that if they violate that trust, then you will be taking back some of that privacy. That could mean checking their phones or going through their backpacks.

But losing your trust is the price they must pay for being dishonest and untrustworthy. Learning to earn trust back is a tough life lesson that emphasizes the importance of integrity in life.

To answer the question of how much privacy your child should have, there is probably no one-size-fits-all answer. Parents need to focus on building relationships with their kids that are grounded in mutual trust and respect, while at the same time giving kids as much privacy as they’ve earned.

If this is an issue that you need help with, please schedule a free intro call here.