Disappointment and grief will come to your child and in those moments it’s often very hard to know just what to say and do. Our tendency as parents is to try to fix the situation and most of the time that is not possible or advisable. As much as it hurts us to see our kids hurt, it is those moments that will shape them and make them stronger. And it is in those moments that we must tread softly and wisely, giving them what they truly need and not what makes us feel like we are doing something.

When your child comes crying to you or shares their hurt and disappointment, this is what they don’t need:

Words that minimize their feelings.

Oh, it’s not that bad.

Just wait till you’re older and you’ll feel differently.

You shouldn’t feel that way (sad, angry, hurt).

You’ll get over it.

These are a few examples of words that downplay what your child is feeling. Nothing you say in their moment of strong emotion is going to lessen what they feel. I think that sometimes we resort to this as parents because we feel we have to say something and we think that telling ourselves and them that it’s not that bad is going to make both of us feel better. It does not.

Pat or Preachy Answers.

When my husband and I were starting a family, I suffered two miscarriages and struggled to get pregnant. I remember calling my parents on the phone and crying to them and although their intentions were honest and pure, their words were not helpful. I got the “God’s in control; He has a purpose” response. In my hurt, I told them I did not need to be preached at and the conversation ended there. I know they loved me and were doing what they thought was best, but in that moment, it only made me more angry. Their words were true, but in my pain, they were not what I needed to hear.

Pat answers don’t have to be preachy; sometimes they are like the wise sayings we see posted on social media.

Oh, it will all work out. You just gotta believe!

You’ll forget about it in no time.

There is a reason for everything.

Pat answers sound too simple and perhaps like you’ve prepared them and used them many times before. They are the phrases we resort to when we can think of nothing else to say. Honestly, any answer can become a pat answer when it is shared before your child has been heard, loved, and empathized with.

Turning Their Hurt into YOUR Story.

My youngest gave me some wisdom years ago when we were having a heart-to-heart chat. She talked about how she hated it when she would share something and the other person turned that into a chance to talk about themselves. It made me stop and think about how easy it is for us to do that. When our kids come to us with hurt, our first response is often something like, “I know just how you feel; when I was your age…..”

Our motive is pure; we want them to know that we really understand because we’ve been through the same thing, or at least something similar. However in those fresh moments of hurt and pain, they are not the salve your child needs.

What Does Your Child Need?

When your child comes crying or hurt to you, they do not need your words, they need your love. In those first few moments of pain, the only thing that will help soothe their emotional wound is your love expressed in words or physical touch. Give a hug, say “I’m so sorry” or “I love you” and just let them cry. No need to say anything else.

When the time is right, you will have a chance to talk more, but that time is rarely immediately. Let them feel, let them cry it out, and let them know that you are there for them. Wait patiently for the open door to say more–to share what you went through and to offer wisdom. It will come and when it does, be ready to listen, ask and share what seems appropriate in that moment.

If you’d like to be better at communicating with your child, give me a call for a free intro consultation. I’d love to give you some tools to help!