Do you hesitate to say No to your kids? Do you fear that saying No will make you a negative parent? Are you so into the positive parenting movement that No has become a dirty word in your house?
Apparently there are young parents who feel that the inability or unwillingness to say No is a real problem. In the article 20 Of The Worst Problems With Millennial And Gen Z Parenting Styles, Straight From The Mouths Of Other Millennial And Gen Z Parents, one young parent laments:
“People don’t teach their kids ‘no’ anymore. A lot of the kids’ bad behaviors these days is merely never being told ‘no’ or having boundaries.”
That young parent has hit the nail on the head. When kids learn the meaning of the word No at a young age, they will grow to understand what a boundary is. Starting early, ages 1-3, a child should learn the importance of No. Sometimes that No is expressed in a straightforward NO, and sometimes it can be expressed in positive instruction. Either way, your child is learning that there are boundaries in life. In this early phase, you can explain the WHY behind the No; however, they may not understand it fully.
As your child grows older, ages 4-8, they can begin to understand the WHY behind the No or boundary. Take the time to explain it to them every single time you discipline them for crossing a boundary and every time you tell them NO. Phrases like “I’m the mom/dad and I said so” are not going to teach them any values. They should be told why it’s not okay to hit or lie or cheat, not just punished for doing it.
As their understanding grows, NO should take the form of a conversation, not a command. Boundaries should be established and consequences discussed. By the time they are pre-teens and teens, boundaries and consequences should not be a surprise. At this point, you should be using the word NO less and replacing it with questions that cause them to think and guidance that cements their values.
Your child will not be damaged if you say NO or if you enforce a boundary that was set. The earlier you start teaching them to understand what NO means and what a boundary is, the easier it will be later to avoid adolescent conflicts. The goal is to teach them to respect boundaries because they will be facing them for the rest of their lives–at work, as they drive, in the community–boundaries are all around us and as adults we’ve learned the importance of staying in those boundaries. But that doesn’t just come with maturity and growing up; it comes from learning the importance of NO and boundaries starting at a very young age.
So don’t shy away from saying No when it needs to be said. The safety and emotional health of your child depend on you stepping up and being an iron-fist-in-a-velvet-glove type of parent. Firmness enveloped in love.
If you struggle with saying No and setting boundaries, I can help. Please schedule a free intro call here.
