I don’t hear a lot of talk about teaching accountability to kids these days and the lack of focus on that very important trait is being felt in every home and classroom and on every court and field. I heard a teacher recently say: As someone who worked in a school, and is married to a teacher: too many parents aren’t holding their kids accountable.
What does it even mean to hold your kids accountable? It is not a shaming word, a militaristic attitude, or even an unwillingness to be flexible. Holding your children accountable means that you teach them to take responsibility for their actions and accept the consequences of what they did.
Accountability teaches kids integrity, honesty, good decision-making skills, respect for others, and gives them a stronger sense of self-esteem. Here are some ways to help them learn that very important skill:
Set clear expectations and boundaries.
Don’t leave your kids guessing. Talk about core values, boundaries, and expectations. Not in a demanding way, but in a calm manner that communicates conviction, consistency and at the same time unconditional love. If you struggle with doing this or are not sure how to start this process, I can help. Schedule a free intro call here.
Communicate consequences.
As you discuss boundaries, values, and expectations, determine consequences and explain them to your children. Sometimes, simply knowing what will happen to them when they cross boundaries is a strong deterrent from doing so. And most importantly, be consistent with those consequences.
For instance, you might say, “Either you do your homework daily without me reminding you or I will take your phone away. The choice is yours.”
To pick a consequence, choose something that you know your child doesn’t like. For some, it’s a time-out or the removal of a device or toy, and for others it may be a spanking. (If you choose to spank, it’s important to do it when calm, not out of anger and express love and physical affection before and after. I know a lot of parents who don’t choose to spank and a lot who do, that is something that you must decide)
Sometimes, accountability is more powerful when it comes in the form of natural consequences. Whenever you can, choose a consequence that fits the behavior. When your kids are old enough to understand, righting the wrong of their behavior is an option. For instance, when curfew is broken, choose a discipline related to curfew that is appropriate and fair. Oppressive discipline leads to rebellion and a possible breakdown in the parent/child relationship.
Start as early as possible.
Toddlers are smart. They are not too young to learn about boundaries and consequences. As a Nana with two toddler grandkids, I’m seeing this in real time.
No messengers, no excuses.
When my husband coached football, they used the mantra, “No messengers, no excuses.” The saying meant that players didn’t send others to convey messages to the coach, but that each teammate spoke up for themselves. And no excuses meant that players did not blame others or make excuses for their mistakes but instead accepted the responsibility themselves.
Teaching your children accountability means that they learn to speak up for themselves, go to others to admit and take the blame for errors, and that they do not point to others to take the fall.
Teaching accountability may not be the easiest thing to do as a parent, but it’s worth it. Holding kids accountable for their actions will help mold them into successful, responsible adults and it will build a relationship of trust and respect in your home
