Parents of adults sometimes forget that their main job is over. They no longer need to parent their adult children. Unfortunately, I’ve seen many parents of adults step way over the line in trying to influence and even control the decisions their grown kids are making.
Our three kids are in their 30s now and our role as parents has taken on a new look. Here are some ways to help maintain a healthy, respectful and supportive relationship as roles evolve.
Respect Their Independence
Your child is an adult and should be making their own decisions. If they are on their own, there’s really nothing you can or should do about that, other than offering advice when asked. On occasion, you can gently ask if they are open to hearing your perspective; but I would try that sparingly.
Set Healthy Boundaries
As parents of adults, you should have conversations about boundaries on time, space, finances and emotional support. Avoid guilting your kids into something and don’t overstep into their personal life or relationships. If you have grandchildren, this definitely needs to be discussed, especially when it comes to disciplining and your involvement in their lives. If parents and grandparents have different expectations, there will be conflicts.
Let Go of Control
When your kids become adults, your role should shift from parenting to supporting. You’ve raised them and you must trust that they are able to manage their own lives, even if they make mistakes. That’s how growth happens.
Show Support, Not Pressure
Offer encouragement and reassurance rather than criticism or expectations. Celebrate their successes and be there for their setbacks without saying “I told you so.”
Accept Their Lifestyle Choices
Whether it’s their career, partner, location or lifestyle, show love even if it differs from your values. You may feel like they are going against everything you taught them growing up, but unless you can show unconditional love, you will most likely drive a wedge between you and your child. You can let them know you disagree with their choice, but you still love them and will not bring it up again. It’s not your job to change them or make them feel like they are always being evaluated.
Have a Life!
Focus on your own growth, hobbies, and friendships; your adult child should not be the center of your life. We enjoy spending time with our kids and grandkids and rarely turn down an invitation or opportunity to do so, unless we have another commitment. We encourage them to have their own friends, date nights, and interests and don’t feel the need to be involved in all of it. This healthy boundary has resulted in a positive relationship with all three of them and allows us to enjoy the times we do spend together.
Be a Good In-Law
If your child is married, respect the fact that the spousal relationship takes priority. Avoid competing for attention or being overly involved in their lives. Step back from taking sides in disagreements and don’t ever make the son or daughter-in-law feel as if they are not fully accepted as being “good enough” for your child. Do all you can to support the marriage.
With adult children, you can move from being an authority figure to a trusted confidant. Conversations can become deeper, more mutual and intellectually engaging. Your emotional connection can grow stronger and there’s the potential for real friendships rooted in love and mutual respect.
We’ve also found that our adult children teach us things. They bring fresh ideas and perspectives, and often challenge our thinking in positive ways. We share a lot of laughs about the past and the present and honestly, there is no greater joy that to see them grown into adults that make us proud.
If you are struggling with a relationship with an adult child, I’d like to help. Schedule a free intro call here.
