Boundaries with children are important because they shape healthy development, emotional security and respectful relationships. Even though most parents know this, they will find it difficult to set and enforce boundaries.

Boundaries are often hard to enforce because kids test them frequently. But sometimes the parents are the reason for lack of boundaries. They fear that they will ruin their relationship with their child, they worry that they are being too strict, or they don’t like being told “I hate you” or seeing their child cry tears of disappointment. The problem is that parents confuse “keeping my child happy” with “doing what’s best for my child.” Those two options often collide.

Boundaries are also hard to enforce because parents get tired and give in out of pure exhaustian, hoping to avoid another meltdown, sibling fight or argument.

But when parents keep moving boundary lines, kids will continue to push back. They will either wait you out until you give in, whine or argue more, use your own words against you, or find loopholes through those boundary fences. Yes, consistency is hard, but inconsistency only invites more power struggles. Highly functioning families have established clear and enforced boundaries.

Decide Your Non-Negotiables

To start, determine your family’s core values, such as kindness, respect, honesty, etc. Then let those guide your boundaries. Look at the areas of conflict in your family and use that to help you determine boundaries. For instance, if your kids are always hitting and physically hurting each other, a boundary might be: No hurtful touching. Or if your children have a habit of not listening and ignoring you when you ask them to do something, then the boundary might be: Listen and respond right away.

Once you come up with these boundaries or “house rules,” talk about them as a family and discuss the consequences of crossing those boundaries.

Boundaries are hard to enforce because they require consistency, emotional strength, and confidence that you are doing the right thing–all this while your child is upset and uncooperative. But they are worth it. Every time you hold to a boundary, you’re teaching your child self-respect, safety, and how to navigate life.

In order to stay consistent with the boundaries you set for your children, remember this:

• Be clear and specific. Keep the expectations direct and simple.
• Set the boundary BEFORE the conflict.
• Try to use natural and logical consequences. When you do, kids learn cause and effect in a way that builds their self-control.
• Say less, do more. Keep your words to a minimum and don’t lecture. Less talk and more authority.
• Stay calm. Take a time out if you must.
• Don’t keep moving the boundary lines. Even if they beg, cry or explode, stay firm. If you give in sometimes, they will try harder every time.
• You can be kind and firm at the same time, showing empathy for their feelings. Validate the feelings without changing the boundary.

Being consistent with boundaries does not mean being rigid or mean. It means being clear, calm and committed to your child’s growth and development, even when it’s not easy.

Ultimately, boundaries make your children feel safe and secure. Children thrive more when they know what to expect. Boundaries create structure and predictability and as a result, reduce a child’s anxiety.

If you are struggling with boundaries, give me a call. Schedule a free intro call here.