Whether it’s arguments with children–which, by the way, are a no-win/no-win scenario–or arguments with family or friends, the first step to resolving arguments and conflicts is found in one word, acceptance.
One of my favorite authors, Max Lucado, says it like this:
The answer to arguments? Acceptance. The first step to unity? Acceptance. Not agreement, acceptance. Not unanimity, acceptance. Not negotiation, arbitration, or elaboration. Those might come later but only after the first step, acceptance.
What does that look like when you and your child are in a conflict? Usually when we argue, we are trying to change something about the other person. Maybe it’s a behavior that we don’t like or an opinion that we strongly disagree with. We want them to see things our way and admit that we are right. But what if you started with acceptance first?
When your child is angry, you acknowledge that they are upset and don’t try to talk them out of their anger.
When your child doesn’t cooperate with you or crosses a boundary that you have set up, you don’t talk them out of it, you tell them you love them but that they have crossed the boundary you set up and must deal with the consequences. In that instance, it’s helpful to have discussed boundaries and consequences beforehand.
When your child has an opinion that you strongly disagree with or don’t like, you let them respectfully speak their mind and you accept that they have an opinion that is different than yours. Sometimes asking questions to make them think through their opinions may help them see things differently.
Even in disagreement, your child can feel accepted when you take the time to listen to them and assure them that they are being seen and heard. In the initial heat of an argument, if you can take a deep breath and let your child know that you love them and will listen to their side of things, you are giving a soft answer that will eventually cool down their wrath.
Later, when you both are calmed down, you can discuss the matter further. But at the onset, acceptance of the little (or big) person standing in front of you who only wants to argue with you will be the first step in quelling arguments.
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