Kids cry when they are hurt, scared, sad, and sometimes simply because they do not get what they want. Temper tantrums are sudden, disruptive and violent outbursts of anger, and may involve screaming, kicking, or crying. These emotional outbursts are usually a result of a child not getting their way or being told NO.

Sometimes they happen because kids don’t know how to manage their emotions and sometimes because a child is trying to manipulate the parent. Tantrums are a normal part of development for toddlers, particularly between the ages of 2 and 4, but by the age of 8 or 9, tantrums usually have tapered off. No matter the age, there are certain ways to respond to your child’s emotional rage.

Stay Calm. The first and probably most obvious step is to always stay calm. Raising your voice or getting angry only causes the conflict to escalate and does not bring any kind of resolution.

Encourage them to use words. Instead of crying or screaming, especially if the child is a toddler, remind your child to use their words to explain how they are feeling. This allows the parent to address those feelings in a calm way. I saw this play out just yesterday when my son-in-law was putting our 3-year-old granddaughter to bed and she did not want to go. She started crying and they reminded her to use her words and because they’d practiced this with her often, she responded even while crying that “I’m sad.” That allowed her dad to address her sad feelings.

Distract and redirect. When a child is small, shifting their attention to something else often works. Whether it’s a different activity, asking for their help, showing them something or reminding them of something fun or exciting that is going to happen, your redirection may break the cycle of the tantrum.

Sometimes, it’s best not to engage. There are also times, specifically when the child is older, that it’s best not to even try to engage. One parent I was working with sent me a video of her 9-year-old son having a full blown temper tantrum, screaming and saying accusatory things to the parent. They wanted me to see and hear what they were up against. I watched and listened as the parent tried to reason with the child to no avail; the child only continued screaming and arguing. At that point, I told them, the best thing to do was send the child to their room and just let them scream, informing them that when they were done, the parent would talk to them.

If your child is older that 2-4 and is having a meltdown, they are not listening to reason and nothing you say to them is getting through. They may very well be “using their words” but in a very destructive and disrespectful way. This is not the time to argue with them or talk sense into them.

Don’t ever give in. At any age, giving in should not be an option. That reinforces to your child that tantrums will get them what they want and they will continue to use them.

Temper tantrums are “normal” when they are occasional. Sometimes kids are tired, frustrated or dealing with changes. Temper tantrums are “normal” when they happen in predictable situations, like when your child is asked to put their toys away, do their homework or go get ready for bed. “Normal” temper tantrums consist of crying, shouting or flailing, but don’t usually last too long or show dangerous or destructive behavior.

Toddler temper tantrums are not a cause for concern. But if your child is older and continues to throw them, there are some signs that you should seek professional help:

• When your child has signs of an underlying condition such as anxiety, ADHD or ODD, or holds their breath dangerously long
• When tantrums are severe, frequent and prolonged
• When the child harms themselves or others.
• When the child struggles to communicate their needs.
• When tantrums continue or worsen after age 3–4.

Are your child’s temper tantrums making you crazy? Are they pushing you to the point of exhaustion or anxiety? Are you at a loss on how to handle them? I’m here to help, Schedule a free intro call here.

After your child has calmed down, take the time to discuss the situation with them and always express your love with a hug. They need to know that even their ugly and childish behavior will not push you away.