The likely and most obvious answer to that question is that you are the parent you are because of how you were parented. The role models you saw, the attachment you did or did not form, the neglect you might have felt–these are the experiences that made you who you are and that determine how you relate to your children.

Understanding that truth is the first step to becoming a better, healthier parent. The next step is examining it a little more closely.

Dr. Karen Purvis, a renowned child development expert and a fierce advocate for what she called “children from hard places,” says that parents must look back to move forward in their parenting: It is only in the grieving and the owning of our history that we can more forward with a clear view of the child standing before us. (from The Connected Parent) This is important because: What happened to us as children is not as important as how we’ve made sense of it as adults.

I’ve worked with many parents who have a painful history, especially with their own parents. And I’m here to echo what Dr. Purvis says: You are not trapped in your childhood attachment patterns and styles. You can break the cycle! I’ve seen parent after parent after parent change the direction of generational disfunction and raise kids who are healthy and thriving.

Where do you start? I suggest you work with a professional therapist who will help you begin by understanding your attachment style growing up and your attachment style now with your children. In addition to attachment, you should be aware of your triggers. Parents often take the time to understand and identify their children’s triggers, things that start a downward behavior spiral. But parents have triggers too, and sometimes they really get in the way of being the parent they want to be.

If you find yourself easily triggered at certain things your child does, if you struggle to form a close bond with your child, or if your child’s erratic behavior is a mystery, it may be helpful to dig a little deeper because the most powerful predictor of a child’s attachment styles to you is your attachment to your caregiver.

Parenting under the best of circumstances is hard. But when you come from a place where the parenting was not nurturing and where you did not have a healthy attachment to your parents, the challenges escalate. Facing those deficits and healing from them will go a long way to helping you create a nurturing and healthy environment for your children to enjoy that will guide them to become thriving adults.

If you are struggling in your parenting, let’s talk. Email me at Janis@rcfamilies.com.