When children lie in the early years, from ages 1-6, they are basically experimenting and exploring truth. What does it mean to pretend? What is honesty? What does it mean to lie or say something that is not true? These are all questions that as a parent you must help your young child answer as they grow in their understanding of how to relate to others. And please keep in mind that if your child has not gone through normal developmental stages because of trauma, then the understanding of lying versus truth may come later.

When Children Lie, remember this:

• Set an example of honesty. They are watching and they will follow in your footsteps.
• Keep yourself from over-reacting. Although lying is something you don’t want your children to do, it does not necessarily mean they have a chronic problem. It is another virtue that must be taught.
• Acknowledge lying; don’t just ignore it. It must be addressed; ignoring it sends a message that you condone it or that it’s not such a big deal.
• Address it with calmness. Try to understand the purpose of misbehavior: are they purposefully lying? Or do they see it as something else, like pretending? Maybe they think that lying is the only way to get attention or a need met, or maybe they fear that telling the truth will get them in big trouble because you over-reacted in the past.
• Do they believe they have to lie to get a need met? Is my child fearful of a reaction because I’ve over-reacted in the past?
• Your goal is to teach your child the importance of honesty: what it means and what happens when they lie. Dishonesty breaks their trust with with you or someone else and that is something they must work to earn back. They need to know that trust can be broken and yet can still be restored.

Honest communication is one of the life skills that you should teach your child. So as you discipline, remember to teach and guide, rather than PUNISH.

When Children Lie, Try These Words

Give your kids a chance to be honest by saying:

Is that real or pretend?

Really? Do you want to think about that and try again?

That’s not what I thought I saw, would you like to think it over and then come back and tell me what you think really happened?

Your goal is to keep a balance of structure and nurture. Structure means addressing the behavior by talking about it, using teachable moments, and setting up appropriate boundaries and consequences. Nurture means connecting with your child’s emotion (I understand why you’re afraid to tell me but I’d rather you be honest with me than I find out from someone else) or (I’m sorry that you feel you had to be dishonest to get help, what do you really need?)

Honesty is just like any other virtue that you want to teach your children; you will be modeling and guiding them towards honesty and integrity for many years. They will learn the importance if you make it a priority to talk about it, teach it, and refuse to just let it slide.

If you would like help with any part of parenting, please reach out to me at janis@rcfamilies.com and we can schedule a time to talk.